Today was the first time I’ve gone back into the church where we held Samuel’s funeral.

Memories everywhere.  My kids go to VBS here every year.  Lots of good times.

I dropped Jana off in her VBS group, and she found a friend in the same row where our family sat last year at Samuel’s funeral.  I had trouble focusing as the teacher asked me questions.  Right over her shoulder was the spot where the casket stood.  That small, awful, awful casket.  Covered in white flowers.  Samuel’s face tucked away inside, next to his favorite blue bunny.

I don’t have words to describe what that feels like.  Anguish is the closest I find, but it’s more complex than that.

I stumbled through the rest of the day.  Literally and emotionally.

It’s hard to stay present.

It’s hard to stop the tears.

They keep coming.

I miss him so much.

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