Stillness

Anxiety plus despair is a dangerous combination.  

Anxiety whispers questions and distress in my ear.

Why isn’t God with me anymore?  Did he take Samuel away on purpose?  Is this punishment?  Can I regain his favor or has he turned his back on me forever?  Is he good, or am I learning something new and frightening about God that I would rather not know?  I don’t like who I’ve become.  How will I find my footing again?  I might be unstable like this forever.  I can’t feel safe anymore. Is God going to take the rest of my family away too?

Despair slips in, making a comfortable home in the questions.

My sadness is so heavy, it’s overwhelming for the people around us.  It’s too much to expect anyone to walk this with me.  I’m so angry I’m going to hurt everyone around me anyway.  There is no end to this grief, no relief.  My memories of Samuel will stay painful. I can’t get to a place where those memories also bring me joy.  It’s not worth trying, because there is no way out. Nothing will change. I am forever trapped in a sinking ship, terrified of drowning, feeling like I’m going under, desperate to either be rescued or die, but neither happens.  I just keep sinking.

Despair shows me the ugly, unavoidable future, and anxiety tells me to rush the process so I don’t have to experience every painful moment of it.  Back away from friendships. Leave God, move on.  Give in to this new fearful person I am. Trying only leads to disappointment and more heartache.  Trying leads to more pain.

It’s a rising panic.  I will do anything to make the hurting slow down, even a little bit.  

Hush…  Be still…

It’s not much, but I need to wait.  Wait for what?  I don’t know.  Maybe that part doesn’t matter as much as it seems to.

There might not be any answers.  Just be still…

Rushing decisions can make things worse.  Hurts might be forgiven, but the damage can’t always be undone.  

Breathe.  Slow down.  Be still…

I won’t be able to hear with all of this chaos in my head.

Peace…  Be still.

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