Mother’s Day

There are many people on my mind today.

I’m happy for the woman whose 2 year old is now 6 months post-transplant with Samuel’s heart.  I’m happy her child can run and play now without turning blue.  I wish I knew her name.

I imagine it’s a joyful day for Esther, who has one of Samuel’s kidneys.  She was on dialysis for 7 years, and wrote to tell us how thankful she was for a second chance at life with her daughter.

I think about Samuel’s birth mom.  Does she still grieve every day or has she tried to push it away so she can survive?

I think of friends (including Jeremy) who have lost their moms, friends who hurt because they are not moms, and friends who have broken hearts because they (we) love children who have left us.

I celebrate with a friend who will soon be going to China to adopt a little boy that waits for her.

And I’m thankful for my own mother and all of her love.

It’s a complicated day.

Hope

Again today I sat in a room with the woman who killed my son.  We set a date for the jury trial later this summer.

With every cell in my body, I hate this place life has taken us.  When I think about her life, I know she has miserable consequences out of this too.  She has to live with the guilt of Samuel’s death and Jana’s injuries.  She will probably spend 6 months in jail.  Only 6 months, a tiny price for taking my beautiful Samuel’s life, but still…6 months in jail.  I’d be terrified if it was me.  She’ll be away from her family for all that time.  What a hard thing to process with your children.  “Mommy did something awful, and mommy has to go to jail.”  They will be scared too.  I spent 6 days away from my family last week and I missed them a lot.  Six months is a short time, but 6 months is a long time.  I don’t get the impression she has a great support system.  Instead I see her with her schmuck attorney, and with her family that sits slouched next to her but doesn’t reach out to touch her.

Somehow I talked with her this morning after we walked out of the courtroom.  I know how desperately I need people to speak hope and peace into my life right now, so I found myself speaking hope into hers.  And I surprised myself.  I took off the kintsugi necklace I wear for Samuel and gave it to her.  Kintsugi is a Japanese art that finds beauty in damaged things.  The artist takes something broken…china or jewelry or pottery…and repairs it with gold, so that the restored piece is more beautiful and valuable than it was before it was broken.   My life is not repaired with gold, it’s not repaired at all, but I wear it in hope.  Hope that I don’t feel.  And I gave it to her.

I don’t regret it, although now it seems like a dumb thing to do.  It doesn’t matter what she does with it, that’s on her.   But I already miss my necklace.  As soon as I got home I wrote the lady who made it, and she’s sending me another one right away.