On Friday I had an email conversation with our pastor about what the Bible says about death and children. I read some of the verses we talked about, and then somehow ended up reading the whole book of Ecclesiastes. I couldn’t stop, it resonated with me in a new way. It was pessimistic, but read from the darkness of grief, it was perfect. We come from dust, we will return to dust. Our days are numbered and we can’t take anything with us after we die, so constant seeking after money, success, and even wisdom are meaningless. It’s better to go to a funeral than a feast. The laughter of fools is meaningless (which I feel strongly, and which is why I avoid scrolling through my Facebook feed these days…too much laughter of fools).
And in the middle of the book some words jumped out at me. Ecc 5:1-2 says “Guard your steps when you go to the house of God. Go near to listen rather than to offer the sacrifice of fools, who do not know that they do wrong. Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few.” I’ve done a lot of ranting towards God lately, and I took this to mean that maybe I need to get quiet and listen.
I mentioned this to Scott who told me those are the exact verses he’s preaching on this weekend.
Apparently God is telling me to go to church on Sunday. And to listen.
I have not gone to a regular church service since the accident. Too many memories, too many questions, too many happy praise songs that stick in my throat. But I can’t brush this off as a coincidence.
And in a very kind gesture, Scott offered to keep the lights off in church on Sunday, so I can cry all I want and not worry about everyone staring at me.