There is a faint line of hope in my heart today.
I’m afraid of it. Hope means expectations. Expectations mean disappointment. Disappointment means anger and hurt.
But there it is. It’s been there since last night, which is a long time for me. Lately my glimmers of hope last for 10 minutes to an hour or two, but no more. Then the discouragement settles back in, feeling heavier than it did before.
I’ve had a low tolerance for music since the accident. But music is how I discover, how I pray and worship, and how I love. Losing music starves my soul like not being able to swallow would starve my stomach. I found some music I can listen to this week. They are songs about pain. Although the hope woven into them is very, very small, it is more hope than I feel. But today I can imagine hope like that in my life. That’s no small thing. Listening to these songs is replacing some of the despair in my head with stillness.
So today my grief has tried a duet with hope. Maybe God’s silence isn’t abandonment, but a pause. A holy tear as God sits, listening, before he speaks to me. Waiting for me to be quiet, so he can continue the song that he’s always sung over me. Maybe God is still there and I’ll find him again. That would be good. I need something good.